Thoughts Before Departure

Didn't sleep. Instead, talked to a friend about 1 Chronicles 17:16 where David asks the Lord, "Who am I, O Lord, that you have brought me thus far?" In other words, why have I been saved by grace through the blood of Jesus Christ, while others' hearts will remain forever hardened to God? Why have I been chosen? I think I was experiencing the kind of sorrow Paul speaks of when he says in Romans 9:3, "for I wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh." Romans 9:2 - "I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart."

I'm still going through it. I to some greater degree than before, understand what "unceasing" means now. Maybe it will only intensify? Praise God there is rest in Jesus Christ and our burdens are gladly bearing. We serve such a wonderful God! He wants everything from me - my complaints, my troubles, my sorrow. Incredible! I think that is what you call a righteous and holy God!

But back on track...

To help me find peace about this truth - that some people are objects of wrath while others have become objects of mercy, my friend said something very interesting. To begin, he quoted Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge He, and He will make straight your paths."

To elaborate, our minds are weak and feeble, cursed by generations of corrosive, corrupting sin. We are not to be trusted. What little knowledge and understanding we possess - it is, of itself, insufficient and self-destructive. However, the Lord our God who loves us and has redeemed us to himself through the Cross, does possess all things that are good and is to be trusted. Therefore, (this is a pretty practical concept) we cannot trust ourselves but should instead trust God with EVERYTHING.

Now, this portion isn't directly biblical but hear me out. My friend said, "What if our soul decided things long before our brains or hearts did?" Perhaps therein exists something concerning God's calliing us to Himself that we cannot see, but He can? This made a lot of sense to me. For instance, why is it that my favorite color is blue? Why is it that I abhor mustard? I didn't chooose these things. I don't think, they are genetic. My Dad doesn't care for blue and he likes mustard. They just are. Perhaps my soul (the part of me that is made in the image of God for a specific purpose/reason) chose to love blue and detest mustard long before my brain understood? Perhaps my soul knew God would redeem me long before my head "got it?" Take it back even further if you are not a believer in Christ nor God, and perhaps there is a being who meticulously and purposefully created you? Maybe everyone isn't a product of chance and science? Perhaps my soul knew these words long before I could pronounce them or knew how to write?

And in His amazing grace and divine providence, God has in some way, unbeknownst to me (but maybe to my soul?) allowed me to understand with my head, that every "perhaps" question (and many more) I've listed above is undeniably and inextricably answered with a screaming and glaring "YES!!" We don't deserve answers but God is so gracious. He gives us some answers and gives us peace.

There is a God! He exists!

I don't know why, but He loves me! Me!

I don't understand, but He does. And I will trust Him!

He sent His Son to live the perfect life I could not. He sent His Son to bear witness to the Truth when I was born into sin - a lie. He died the death that saves us all from separation from God - the giver of life/ star breather! he died willingly, thinking greatly of us, when all I can do well is think of myself.

Indeed, I will trust in the Lord, my God!